A Journey Through Time and Space
by teehee111
Summary: It's after closing time in the Nabootique, Naboo and Bollo are on a Shaman weekend, no doubt getting completely plastered and Howard and Vince are doing not much of anything. That's when a man calling himself the Doctor shows up right outside their shop.
1. Big Blue Box

In commemoration of the new series of Doctor Who, starting tonight at 6:20!

I've seen a couple of fanfics about Doctor Who meeting the Mighty Boosh, actually. I guess it's the "come with us now on a journey through time and space" in the opening titles of the Boosh. Anyway, I really wanted to have a go at writing for Vince and Howard and the Doctor really does offer up a lot of opportunities, I just couldn't resist. Constructive criticism is more than welcome.

This is set just after 2007's tacky Christmas episode, the Doctor's feeling all down in the dumps after seeing everyone but the history teacher die, as I'm sure anyone would be. I'd say he needs a good bit of surreal comedy to brighten up his day. :D

* * *

The Doctor sighed and slumped down in his seat. He was really beginning to hate Christmas; it seemed that alien invasions were determined to squeeze all of the jolly out of the season of good will.

And he always seemed to be at the epicentre of it.

Sitting up and turning to the console, he haphazardly changed the destination date to a month or so into 2008 and hesitated to enter the coordinates. Did he really want to go anywhere? Furrowing his brow slightly he spun on his chair, hitting the keypad at random as he did and stood up to start the TARDIS; completely unaware of his destination. The familiar whirr of the TARDIS' engine filled his ears as he dashed around the controls, pulling levers and pushing buttons with an unnecessary amount of force.

Suddenly he was flung backwards as the TARDIS jerked. He pushed himself up using the railings and widened his eyes at the centre pillar.

"I'm… sorry." He murmured, lowering his head apologetically as the machine seemed to sigh in response. "I guess all this drama's getting to me." He looked up again and then glanced at the door. He pulled on his long, brown coat and walked out of his ship, glancing back as he did so.

"What I need is some fun."

o o o o o

"I'm telling you Howard, a giant blue box just appeared outside the shop window!"

It was seventeen minutes past six. Howard Moon, after a successful stocktaking, was lounging on the settee, engrossed in a book about Neville Jiminy Jemmerson's excursions into the wilderness and was currently deep into a chapter depicting the trails he faced whilst surviving for eighty-two days in the Sahara desert, with only six saxophone reeds and a trombone case full of dead marmosets.

He glanced up beadily at Vince and replied wearily, "Stop distracting me, Vince."

"I'm not distracting you, Howard!" Vince replied exasperatedly, "There's a huge blue box with a blue light on the top of it right outside the shop!"

Irritated, Howard marked his place with a trumpet-shaped bookmark and sat up to face his perfect-haired companion, his already small eyes narrowed in a frown.

"Look, just stop it, alright, you keep doing this!"

"Doing what?"

"Making things up!"

"Like wh-"

"About quarter to six, you heard a… midget, falling into the kitchen cupboard."

Vince shrugged his shoulders, "Well that's what it sounded like."

"And what was it, actually?"

"A bag of sugar."

"Right; a bag of sugar falling from where you'd placed it on top of the Rice Crispies."

"Well it sounded like a midget, and I didn't think Naboo would be happy if he and Bollo came back from that Shaman Weekend and a midget had cleaned us out."

Howard rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, "Well, what about ten minutes ago, when you saw a figure falling downwards past window, but when we walked out there was no one to be seen; how do you explain that one?"

"I told you," Vince said, suddenly defensive, "He got buffeted in a thermal; he was floating about up there like a kind of beakless, long-legged seagull! I reckon he had flares on."

Howard rolled his eyes. "Right, and I'm Faiiiiiiiiiid the Juju wizard. You're just trying to get out of cleaning the shop, Vince; I know how your mind cogs work."

Vince opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. The pair of them looked pointedly at the stairwell leading from the flat into the shop below.

Vince raised his eyebrows, "I didn't even know we had a doorbell."

o o o o o

The Doctor frowned slightly as he looked through the window of the Nabootique. Being chased out of the local Tesco Express by a loud American in a tight-fitting baby blue suit can shock even the most hardened of time travellers. All he had done was ask the man to be careful not to cause an injury to someone while he was – the Doctor guessed – dancing to _iStand and deliver/i _by Adam and the Ants and he had picked up the nearest chicken and began swinging it in the Doctor's face, screaming incoherently.

The Doctor had narrowly avoided being beaten with frozen poultry by hiding in the doorway of a boarded-up shop named Davidson's and waiting for the three Tesco employees to pass by; they were chasing the crazy American and his stolen meat. The Doctor realised the rundown shop was next to were had parked his TARDIS and looked at his ship questionably.

"Did you bring me here on purpose?" He walked around the police box and stood in front of the shop next door to Davidson's, he had noted it to be closed as he left the TARDIS earlier. "Or was it just my coordinates?"

He had scanned the front of the shop with curiosity and spotted a doorbell on the right-hand side of the doorframe. With a glance at his ship he pressed the button.

He waited for a few minutes and raised his hand to press the button again but stopped as he saw a pair of shapes walking down the stairs. One turned the light on and the Doctor could see a man and a woman; the man was dressed in corduroy slacks and a brown-patterned shirt, his wispy, brown hair covered with a trilby hat. The woman was in heeled silver boots, tight black trousers and a purple, floaty top with a matching scarf. He smiled and signalled them to let him in.

Vince looked the man at the window. He didn't look too bad, he had brown hair which flicked about at the front and was wearing a pinstriped suit with a red tie and a long brown overcoat. He sniggered.

"Hey Howard, here's someone who might be interested in your elbow patches."

"Shut it." Howard snapped and walked to the door where the suited man was grinning at him. "We're closed!" He mouthed and pointed to the sign.

The man just carried on smiling and clasped his hands together in a mock plea, making Vince laugh again.

"C'mon Howard, I can't see him stabbing us up or raping us or anything. He's in a pinstriped suit. And he's got a pretty decent hairstyle going on."

"Don't judge a book by its hairstyle, Vince." Howard preached, but turned back to the door all the same, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Alright." He mouthed and proceeded to unlock the door.

o o o o o

The Doctor smiled at the moustached man as he unlocked the door and stepped over the doorstep with a small bounce. He looked from the woman to the man and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"How d'you do? I'm the Doctor."

The couple glanced at each other.

"The doctor of what?" The man asked apprehensively in a faintly Yorkshire accent.

"Are you a fashion doctor? Here to write an article on my new look?" The woman seemed more excited by his arrival than the man and spoke in a soft south London accent, slightly deeper than the Doctor had expected.

Smiling at them both again, the Doctor replied, "Oh, you know, this and that. Everything, pretty much."

The couple glanced at each other again.

"Like… a scientist?" The man raised an eyebrow.

"In a manner of speaking."

"What's your name?" The woman piped in.

"The Doctor."

Another glance.

"Just… 'The Doctor'? No surname or anything?"

"Nope, just 'The Doctor'. Capital 'D'."

"Howard Moon." The man suddenly held his hand out towards the Doctor, startling him slightly. "Man of action, Jazz Maverick, shop keeper."

"Pleasure to meet you, Howard." The Doctor shook his hand and turned to face the woman who grasped his hand immediately.

"Vince Noir, rock 'n' roll star and king crimper."

Embarrassment swept over the Doctor as he suddenly realised that the woman was in fact a man in very feminine clothing.

"So," Howard began from behind him, "What exactly is it that you're here for, Doctor?"

The Doctor felt another small wave of embarrassment as he realised the answer;

"I haven't a clue."

Howard and Vince shared yet another glance.

"And yet here you are, knocking on our door a whole fifty-three minutes after closing time."

He shrugged again, feeling sheepish. "I came here by accident but I think my shi-"

He froze mid-sentence, feeling a strange and unfamiliar form creeping up through his body as he went rigid. He could feel his senses beginning to numb as something forced itself up through his mouth and into the air around him.

* * *

So? Is it a good enough representation of both shows for you? I'll continue if fed with tasty review nourishment…


	2. Conduit

Those were some tasty reviews! *Licks lips*

I think this is the quickest I've ever updated a story, but with the combined attack of your positive feedback and the new series of Doctor Who kicking off to a promising start (despite the Babies of Fat) I was inspired!

* * *

The lights of the shop began to flicker on and off and the clocks slowed to a halt. Howard turned around, looking about in paranoia, while Vince stared at the Doctor as his body stiffened and his eyes glazed over.

"What's going on?" Howard panicked, gripping Vince's arm. "I knew we shouldn't have let him in! What if he's been possessed or-"

"Vince, Howard?" Howard's eyes widened at the sound of the echoing voice now speaking from the stranger's mouth.

"Alright Naboo?" Vince nodded and grinned as though having a complete stranger suddenly start speaking with the dulcet tones of your resident shaman was the most normal thing in the world.

"Actually Vince," The Doctor continued in the monotonous voice of Naboo. "I'm not."

"What's going on?" Said Howard, confused.

"I'm casting my shaman magic to use this bloke as a conduit." The Doctor's eyes didn't move to look at him, in fact the only thing that was moving anywhere was his mouth. The world seemed completely frozen.

"It's alright Howard, he's done this before," Vince wriggled his wrist out of Howard's hand and turned back to the motionless Doctor. "What can we do for ya?"

"First off," Naboo sounded slightly angry, "You can tell me who this guy is and what he's doing here at this time. I told you not to have any parties in the shop while I'm not there to take part."

"Come on Naboo, do you see anyone else?" Vince smirked. "If I was having a party we wouldn't be able to move for guests and if Howard was having a party I doubt he'd be able to muster up even this many."

"How dare you?" Howard glared at Vince, "If I was having a party, women from all over London would be making their way through congestion charges and charity runs to see Howard Moon, yes sir!"

"Get real!" Vince laughed, "The only person that would come to one of your parties is that blind geezer, Lester Corncrake. And even then that's only if he's not too busy listening to Jimmy Coldshuffle."

"John Coltrane!"

"Will you two shut it?" Naboo's voice cut their banter sharply. "Despite the fact I've frozen time, we really don't have much of it!"

"Sorry Naboo."

"Yeah, sorry."

The Doctor's face didn't change but they could almost see the shaman's eyes rolling at them.

"Alright, just shut up and listen now, okay?" The pair nodded and Naboo's voice continued to echo through the Doctor's moving lips, "We're in big trouble."

"Who?"

"Me and the rest of the shaman, you berk; we've been kidnapped!"

"WHAT!

"It was a pretty good start to the weekend, actually, Dennis was off his tits and Tony had brought along more crates of poppers than I bet even Kirk could handle-"

"We don't care about the drugs Naboo," Howard interrupted, "Where are you?"

"How should I know? They didn't draw us a map."

"Then how are we supposed to find you?"

"When we're done talking, go to my cupboard and wrapped in some a purple cloth you'll find a crystal ball. Vince, don't touch it. When you've got it, grab the bottle labelled 'Shaman Cocktail' and rub a bit on it. It'll give you directions. Understand?"

Vince and Howard looked at each other.

"And how exactly do we get to where you are?" replied the former.

"Ah balls, I'm losing you!" The Doctor suddenly began to frown, though his mouth continued to form the shapes of Naboo's words.

"Listen, whatever you do, _Idon't/I _eat the cocktail, and remember-"

But whatever it was they were to remember, Howard and Vince never found out as the Doctor bent over double, the lights flicked back on and the clocks began to tick. Instinctively the pair of them moved to the Doctor but practically jumped back in shock as he straightened up, grinning at them.

"That was never Naboo the Enigma!" He seemed positively thrilled about something.

They both continued to stare at him, bewildered.

"How do you know? He said he froze time," Vince queried, his ice blue eyes looking at him with a keen interest.

"Nah, who can stop time for a Time Lord? Now go on, get that crystal ball and meet me out side my box."

"Just who are you exactly?" Howard demanded, wearing an expression very similar to Vince's in confusion.

"I'm the rescue party."

Without another word the Doctor spun on his heel and walked out of the shop, his coat swishing behind him impressively, leaving Howard to gape witlessly and Vince to ponder purchasing a magenta version.

o o o o o

The Doctor shut the TARDIS doors behind himself and grinned at the turquoise pillar glowing at him from the centre of the control room.

"You are brilliant!" He beamed at the control panel. "Always known what's best for me! Naboo the Enigma! Brilliant! I wonder if he's still sore about that game of Black Jack." He stopped dashing about pushing buttons and started twisting a number of dials.

"Listen, I'm going to have to install a temporary guidance system fuelled by shaman magic. I know it's not what you're used to, old girl, but it's completely necessary." He stopped again and looked up at the pillar, which was now shifting up and down slightly.

"That was a good weekend, that."

There was a bang on the door which sounded like someone flinging their whole body at it. He was half right.

Opening the door revealed a peeved-looking Howard Moon clutching a sticky looking glass orb in one hand and Vince's upper arm in the other. Vince was giggling manically and seemed to have lost the ability to support his own body weight. Apparently Howard had thrown him at the door.

"Had to eat some, didn't he?" Howard moaned as he dragged Vince up the ramp of the TARDIS. "Wiped that shaman gel stuff all over the ball and my arms and even my face – don't ask – then suddenly decides it smells like liquorice bloody bootlaces and shoves a great big dollop of it into his mouth! I couldn't do anything about it either, you know, I had a great ruddy-"

Howard stopped dead and took in his surroundings for the first time. He looked at the Doctor, the control unit, the dome shaped ceiling and then ran out of the door, dropping the hysterical Vince to the floor. As expected, when he spun around to take a second look at the TARDIS' exterior, his jaw dropped and he dashed in and out of the blue Police box a number of times before the Doctor grabbed him by the shoulder and smiled warmly.

"That's not the worst reaction I've had, believe me."

"But- You- It's-" Howard spluttered.

"Bigger on the inside, I know."

"That's an understatement."

The Doctor grinned and turned to look at Vince, whose laughter was now accompanied by violent spasms.

"Is he supposed to be doing that?"

"I was hoping you could tell me."

Howard looked at the Doctor, his tiny eyes filled to the brim with worry.

"He's not going to-"

"No."

Running to the console and ordering the moustached man to pick up his twitching friend, the Doctor pressed a button which opened a hatch to reveal a group of insect like things.

"Lay him down on the floor here."

Howard nodded and placed his friend, who was now thrashing his arms wildly but still laughing, on the floor between himself and the currently crouching stranger. The insects moved towards the man lying on the floor and Howard looked up.

"Nanogenes," The Doctor responded to his unasked question. "A kind of miniature miracle cure… from another planet."

He could feel the shopkeeper's surprised stare but no more questions were asked as the shoal of tiny robots swooped down on Vince, working their way around his system. After a while he stopped laughing and began to breathe heavily, his arms flopped down by his side as the nanogenes floated back to the hatch the Doctor had been keeping them in.

Howard's hand touched his forehead and he opened his eyes.

"What have I told you about the hair?"

Letting out a sigh of relief, Howard smirked at him and moved his hand.

"It's in a bit of a state at the moment, I wouldn't be too worried."

"Oh har har, as if my hair's ever in a state." Vince sat up and crossed his legs. "That stuff tasted nothing like liquorice, you know. It was disgusting!"

"Don't you think the bad taste was the least of it?" The Doctor had shut the nanogenes back in their case and was looking down at Vince in surprise.

"I know what you mean, all that spazzing out messed my hair up at the back!"

"No need to try, Doctor," Howard straightened up, "I don't think this boy has an ounce of reason. He's a borderline simpleton, look."

The Doctor noticed Vince had stopped paying attention to them and started picking at the thread in his boots. He watched him in silence for a while and looked back at Howard, surprised to see that the jazz maverick had been watching him watch the "simpleton".

"Are we off then?"

The Doctor hesitated, his eyes falling to the smeared crystal ball. Of course they wanted to come along. He hadn't expected anything else, had he? Not that he'd actually stopped to think since he landed, he'd decided it was better not to. He looked Howard up and down then looked down at Vince, who was now peering up at him in curiosity, a smile on his face.

"I guess I wouldn't have a choice, would I?"

Vince's grin widened impossibly and Howard handed over the ball, his expression unchanged. Sighing, the Doctor turned around and began to install the "temporary guidance system" while Howard and Vince watched in curiosity.

"Where are we then?" Vince was swaying where he sat. "Is this a space ship?"

"It's called the TARDIS."

"And what does that mean?" Howard asked.

The doctor spun on the spot, a mallet held up in his hand.

"It stands for 'Time And Relative Dimensions In Space'. Now grab something attached to the floor, chances are you'll be flung about somewhat."

And with that, the Doctor brought the mallet heavily down upon the console and the TARDIS whirred into action.

o o o o o

Bloodied-up defrosting chicken in hand, Bob Fossil stood outside the Nabootique, staring at the Blue Box in disbelief. It was making strange mechanical noises and fading in and out of visibility. Not that Fossil knew what the word "visibility" meant.

"Holy, tuna, mother eff baguette!" He stated in bewilderment as the cuboid finally disappeared.

He turned to face the shop front, not failing to notice that, in his concern for the wellbeing of his friends, Howard Moon had completely forgotten to lock the door. Fossil looked from side to side and, pulling at the collar of his too-small baby blue suit, walked straight through the front entrance, paying no heed to the swaying "closed" sign.

* * *

Nothing like starting a story with a hint of peril, eh? Not that it phased Vince any but hey, not much does. I hope I'm still managing to keep them in character, as this is my main aim throughout the proceedings =D Constructive criticism always welcome.


	3. The Crunch

Thanks a lot for all the reviews! :)

I think I might be going a bit too fast with this, to be honest…

A warning: the language is stronger from here on in; we're in the company of bad mouthing shaman and it'd be difficult keeping them in character whilst keeping the profanity strictly PG, though I'll try keeping it to a minimum.

* * *

"You think they can do it?"

Naboo turned to face his familiar, Bollo the Gorilla, and shrugged his blue robed shoulders.

"Probably not, but they're our only chance since Dennis won't ask his wife."

"Yes, why is that, Den?" Quizzed a man wearing a large feathered hat who was in the cage a few inches from Naboo's, "I mean she IS an extreme sports calendar model, she'd stand more chance than those two plum muffins Naboo summoned."

"I already told you Saboo," replied the bald, extravagantly robed man sharing Naboo's prison, "Methuselah and I are on a break. She would deal me a hearty twatting if I were to call her at her mother's house."

"Shit off! You are unbelievable!" A large pink head-like creature with tentacles laughed at Dennis wheezily.

"Pathetic. I'm almost ashamed to call you Head Shaman." Saboo chimed in. "I bet you've not even dipped a toe into the crunch, you plum preserve!"

"Oh, don't start with the crunch again." Dennis the Head Shaman rolled his iris-lacking eyes.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I forget you fear crunch." The feather-hatted shaman retorted in his sarcastic tone. "Even the word makes you mess your y-fronts."

"I'm not afraid of the crunch, Saboo, I just don't get obsessed with it!"

Saboo let out a weird laugh. "Not afraid? What about that time we had to face off a rival shaman gang and you ran off with your peacock tail between your legs?"

"I explained this, I had the flu and I would have been more of a hindrance."

Tony piped up again, "How about the time that ten-year-old pushed in front of you in the line in Shamansburys? He got the last turkey anus and you didn't say a word!"

"I didn't need a turkey anus really, the mouse tail I bought instead was a worthy substitute."

"What about-"

"Look, if you want someone to compare crunch experiences with, I think you'll find Kirk leaves you far behind."

Each of the shaman turned to face the youngest of the six; a blonde haired boy who was sat on the floor, gnawing at the bars of the cage which he shared with Saboo and the pink head.

"Just what is he thinking?" said the tentacled head, peering at Kirk from his vantage point on the bench.

"Nobody knows, Tony." Dennis shook his head. "He has seen things we could never dream of in our darkest of nightmares."

"I bet I seen more DJing at indie rave."

Naboo opened his mouth to respond to the claims of his primate familiar but was interrupted by a laugh from behind him. He spun around and looked up, the rest of the shaman and Bollo followed suit, each set of eyes widening at the sight of their captor.

He had the general form of a human with a number of notable differences. A lizard-like but scaleless tail protruded from the small of his back, his skin was smooth and blue and he had pointed teeth running all the way around his sneering mouth. He wore a green helmet which covered the top of his head and hung down by his neck and a tight green uniform which clung in unflattering places and bore a whole array of badges and insignias.

"Splarrrkc trgt maakkkk tilghgll moaf!"

He goaded his prisoners with a strange buzzing staff, but the shaman merely looked at one another in confusion. Noticing that his provoking was having little affect, the being turned around and began to spit orders at the two similar yet skinnier aliens who had followed him in and whom were wearing less adorned and paler uniforms. Panicking, the two soldiers saluted and dashed to a large control panel, twisting knobs and flipping switches until they turned around and offered the weightier alien a slow nod. He snarled and turned to face the shaman.

"My apologiees, geentlemeen, it seems my teechnicians can't eeven programme a basic linguistics module succeessfully."

"It seems that neither can you, Mr. 'Add-another-E'."

Saboo smiled smugly as the other shaman tittered at his so-called joke and the alien's cheeks wobbled in anger.

"Don't insult my speeech, foolish humans!"

Naboo piped up, "Actually I'm-"

"Don't contradict mee!" The blue creature glared at him with his amber eyes.

"Look at me," Interjected Tony, the large pink head, "How human do I look, honestly?"

"Bollo is a GORILLA, not human."

"In fact-"

"SHUT UP!" The alien's eyes flashed red and his cheeks shook furiously. "Just for your disreespeect, I'm not going to leet you in on the plans of the great Captain Brankalalalalalalaldidooom Makakal Moth the tweenty seeveenth!"

The shaman shrugged at one another and turned back to face the Captain.

"Who?"

His eye twitched but otherwise he showed no sign of anger. On the contrary, he straightened his back and smiled calmly at his prisoners.

"Of course, you would not have heeard of mee. I am famous only on my home planet of Mrroooognh."

There was another silent shaman conference concluding with the unanimous vote that none of them knew what this man was talking about.

"Where?"

He frowned from the bottom of his eyes. "You have not heeard of it? Well, reegardleess of your knowleedge, you and your planet will soon bee obeying our orders!"

"Why Earth?"

"Wee have to start small. This planet is unpreepared for attack. Wee will dominate swiftly and without retaliation!"

"How?"

"No!" He yelled suddenly, "No more plan reeveealing! You did not treeat the astonishing Captain Makakal Moth with the reespeect he desverves! Wee will leeave you now to think over what you have said and think of an apologee!"

He spun on his red booted heel and stormed out of the room, followed hurriedly by his two lackeys. The shaman stood in their respective cages in silence for a while, watching after him in bewilderment. When he had disappeared around a corner, Naboo turned around to face the other shaman, a disturbed frown on his face.

"What the hell was with that wanker?"

o o o o o

The TARDIS was running surprisingly smoothly. The Doctor was feeling slightly superfluous as the crystal ball seemed to know more about guiding the TARDIS than he did. After being unable to find any buttons that needed pressing or levers that needed pulling, he took to answering the questions put to him by his passengers.

"So, you're an alien who has the form of a human and can travel through time and space in this little box-ship thing and you're called a Time Lord and you come from a planet called Gallifrey which is, like, billions of light years away, but you, like, hang around Earth more because, well, I dunno why, but you sort of flit about, solving mysteries and saving galaxies like a good looking Scooby Doo, yeah? Right so far?"

Vince was sat up on one of the three deck chairs that the Doctor had produced from a cupboard in the depths of the TARDIS and was counting down the facts on his fingers. The Doctor sighed but smiled.

"You're getting it." He teased, "I guess if the idea that I have an extra heart is difficult for you to grasp, we won't be going into the finer details of time travel this evening."

"You have two hearts?" Vince looked well and truly stunted.

"Don't strain yourself too hard, little man," the lounging Howard smirked, "I know it's difficult for someone of your mental capacity. Try translating it into fashion terms; he might stand a chance then."

Vince gave Howard's shoulder a playful shove, to which the latter responded by batting the hand away and pointing in the former's face.

"Don't touch me, Vince."

Grinning, Vince prodded Howard's stomach, making him sit up.

"I mean it Vince, don't ever touch me!"

They sat staring at each other for a few seconds.

"Aaaaaaaaaay," they both smiled and made the noise simultaneously and Vince put his hand on Howard's arm. It was promptly batted away.

"No seriously, don't touch me."

The Doctor had been watching the scene unfold with fascination. They were quite the odd couple; you couldn't tell if they were brothers, lovers or just really good mates. He smiled to himself as Vince proceeded to invade Howard's personal space bubble even more.

The TARDIS gave a shudder. Excited, the Doctor leapt up and ran to the console, smiling as the screen indicated they had reached their destination. He flicked some switches, activating the TARDIS' defence mechanisms.

"Alright, lads," He called out to Vince and Howard, "We've landed and we're exactly where the magic ball told us to go so if you two would jus-"

The Doctor had turned around to see Vince sat on Howard's lap, the maverick's hands held up in protest. Both were looking at him seemingly unaware of why he'd paused. With quick glance at Vince, Howard seemed to be the first to notice and shoved Vince onto the floor.

"Always takes it too far." He said in way of explanation.

"You want me really, Howard, everyone knows." Vince chided, pushing himself up on Howard's knee.

"I thought I said to stop touching me,"

"Listen, boys, not that this isn't really, really fun…" The Doctor sashayed over to the door, "But we should probably see about saving your shaman mates, don't you think?"

Vince grinned at Howard and the pair of them stood behind the strange alien man as he flung open the doors and walked out of them. The shopkeepers stayed in the doorway and stared about in bewilderment.

"Where are we?" Vince asked, taking in the room they had landed in. It was dark, windowless and barely with enough space for the TARDIS, never mind the added Doctor.

"My guess is broom cupboard, or something similar." The Doctor reported, groping about in the near blackness for a door handle of some sort. "Ah, there it is!" He declared, his arm tucked down one side of the TARDIS.

"Hold on," He dashed back into the TARDIS and dematerialised, landing it again facing the door of the cupboard. "I reckon we'll have more luck this time."

The trio exited the broom cupboard and found themselves in a short corridor which forked a few feet from them, there a small window on each of the two grey, metal walls. The Doctor shut the door behind them and took out a cylindrical device which made a strange screeching noise as he pressed the button and pointed it at the lock.

"What iis/i that?" asked Howard. He was watching the Doctor with a sceptical expression on his face and seemed extremely uncomfortable with his situation.

"Sonic Screwdriver," the Time Lord replied, smiling and holding the device to Howard's face. "Worth more than my hand. With the press of a button you can unlock any lock without a deadlock, lock it again, override computer firewalls, confuse a bat, just about anything! And my favourite part-" he tucked the screwdriver inside his blazer "-it's completely harmless."

"Check this out!" Vince had ignored them completely and taken to looking out of one of the windows. "I've never seen the moon look so big!"

The Doctor moved towards Vince, but turned around in alarm at a loud gasp from Howard. He was staring utterly gobsmacked out of the opposite window and spoke with a strangled and desperate tone of voice.

"And I've never seen the earth look so small."

* * *

I'm sorry if the Captain's speeech impediment irritates you^^;

Again, criticisms about characters (particularly those of the shaman) and writing technique would be most welcome.

Another note: To get the basic idea of what Captain Brankalalalalalalaldidooom Makakal Moth looks like, think: if this were an episode of the Boosh, he would be played by Rich Fulcher. ;]


	4. A Sea Veiw

Every time I read a review it makes me smile. Sorry I took a while to update, I'm afraid my creative juices were lacking slightly due to college work and I found myself needing this week's Doctor Who…

* * *

Howard's face was a picture of pure horror. He stared longingly out of the window at the distant blue and green planet, looking desperate and humbled by its sheer immensity. Vince's own mood, on the other hand, couldn't have been more of a contrast.

Thoroughly thrilled, empowered even, by the fact he was staring down at the planet he walked upon in high-heeled glory every day of his life, Vince's face was an awestruck grin. This was a sight he'd be able to hold over even Leroy's accomplished head. The majestic sight of the Earth from space… its green blue wonder would make a genius pattern on a shirt. Vince glanced at the Doctor. He was looking unimpressed by the sight of the planet below, but that didn't come as a surprise, he'd probably seen it about a hundred times; he was an alien, after all. What did surprise Vince, however, was the fact the Doctor was looking straight past him and into the tiny eyes of Howard.

"How do you feel?" The time traveller said softly, his words oozing with intrigue, "Everyone's different. Some people feel humbled, frightened, nervous. Others feel excited, hyper, powerful. Some even think I'm having them on, part of some elaborate hidden camera show or something.

"But what about you?" He stepped closer, "What is it that you think, Howard Moon?"

Howard turned his head, eyes as wide as they could be, and stared at the Doctor disbelievingly. He looked back even more longingly at the planet below.

"I think I forgot to lock up the shop."

He looked so much like a stray puppy taken from his favourite haunt by a well meaning family of dog lovers that Vince couldn't help but laugh. He placed his hand on Howard's shoulder.

"Howard, you need to stop being so paranoid!" The self-proclaimed rock star grinned warmly at his tall friend, "We're on an adventure here! We should loosen up, enjoy ourselves!"

"We've had plenty of adventure," Howard glared pointedly at Vince's hand and contact was relinquished immediately, "At the zoo, then all the weird stuff that happened at the flat, remember?"

"Yeah but that was years ago! We've not left Shoreditch since we opened the shop!"

"I had to get in your body and fight off an evil Jazz virus. I'd say that was adventurous."

Vince shook his head. "An adventure for you, maybe, I was just the scenery! All I could do was lie on the counter and scat!"

"Alright!" The Doctor interrupted them, not wanting to know where this conversation would end up, "We really don't have time for reminiscing. We have to find our friend Naboo as soon as possible, okay?"

For a moment the pair looked surprised that he was still with them, but both gave him a hearty nod – Howard a great deal less so – and followed him down the corridor.

They turned left at the fork as turning right would have led them only to an airlock and a docking bay, as revealed to them by a large yellow sign. Continuing down the corridor they turned right at a corner and came upon another fork, luckily this split was accompanied by a large, computerised map. The map showed a large square with another square inside it and yet another inside that, this one joined to the second square with double lines at its top and bottom and with a label stating "Social Chamber". Symmetrically breaking the outer square on each side of the map was a set of double lines which led outwards, turned down sharply and divided into two different sets, one continuing down and the other forking outwards. At the bottom fork on each side was a label reading "Docking Bay", at the outward fork on the left-hand double line corridors was the label "Cleaning Supplies" and on the right the label "Weapon Storage". There was a flashing red dot at the intersection between the outer square and the left-hand corridor which Vince took to mean "You Are Here".

"Brilliant," Stated the Doctor, beaming at the series of lines, "It's like they're begging me: 'Doctor, Doctor please work your marvellous way through our darkest most personal secrets!' They must know how much I love computer networks."

And without another word, the humanoid pulled out his sonic contraption and set to work. Vince edged closer and watched over his shoulder, leaving Howard to hang back distrustfully.

"Lucky these alien blokes all talk English, eh?" Vince noted.

"They don't." The Doctor didn't look up. "This is Mrroooogian. The TARDIS translates telepathically for you."

"But the TARDIS is back there, in that cupboard!" Vince glanced down the corridor, half expecting the blue box to have followed them.

The Doctor couldn't help but chuckle. "It was when you travelled here," He explained, "The TARDIS gets inside your head and installs a sort of automatic translator."

"Inside my- hey, it didn't touch my hair, did it?"

"Of course it- oh, I'm in!"

The screen flashed with the words "access granted" and became a menu with the red subtitles "Maps", "CCTV", "Guard Rota", "Employee Benefits" and "Diabolical Plot". The final one was grey and had a line through the middle of it. After an unhopeful attempt at the option "Diabolical Plot", the Doctor touched "Maps". A second menu appeared, this one with three options: "First Floor – prison sect", "Second Floor – social area" and "Third Floor – recreational suite". A red dot was flashing next to second floor and, just like with "Diabolical Plot", the option "Third Floor – recreational suite" was grey and crossed out. He clicked "Back" and the "CCTV" to reveal a similar looking menu. The Doctor seemed reasonably impressed.

"They've not done bad," He conceded, "taken incriminating information off the server completely. Although, naturally, I'm even more curious than I would have been if I had been allowed access."

The three of them started at the sound of heavy footfalls and loud debating over the perfect size of a Mrroooogian meat cheese baguette.

"Back down that corridor," The Doctor hissed, "I knew I should have checked the Rota." He dealt the side of the map a hefty blow, returning it to the original screen, and dashed off behind Howard and Vince.

o o o o o

"I spy with my little eye… something beginning with… 'B'."

"Is the answer 'ball bag'?" Saboo lashed out, "Can you see a mirror, Tony?"

"Oi, don't get stroppy with me, sunshine, I'll take you on!" Tony Harrison wriggled his tentacles ferociously, "You won't know what hit you I'll come so fast!"

"I won't know what hit me because you can't reach me you great pink cleft!"

"Right, that's it, come an' have a-"

"Vince!"

The Shaman jumped out of their curly shoes as Bollo stood up and pointed gleefully at one of the entrances, wherein stood three figures, making their way stealthily towards the cages in the centre of the "Social Chamber". Vince arrived at the cage first and found himself wrapped in the Gorilla's hairy arms, next was Howard who merely offered the magic men a nod of acknowledgement, having apparently lost the ability to speak, and bringing up the rear was a tall, beanpole of a man in a suit that no one seemed to recognise, except-

"Doctor?"

Everyone looked in surprise at Naboo, none more so than the Doctor.

"How did you recognise me?" He queried in confusion whilst bending down to the lock on the cage and pulling out his screwdriver. "I've had five or six regenerations since I last saw you."

"Shaman instincts?" The short shaman evaded. "What are you doing here?"

"THE Doctor?" Tony interrupted before the time lord had chance to respond. "That toothy geezer in the scarf? Changed a bit an'e?"

"He's a Time Lord, you berk, they regenerate!"

The Doctor ignored them and continued with his work.

"All the luck at Black Jack though, eh Naboo?" Dennis smirked.

"Shut it."

"Aw come now it's just unfortunate that Naboo happened to sit next to me when I picked up all four Jacks," The Doctor grinned, nearly done, "You can't blame anyone for that."

"I, on thee otheer hand can blame you for a great deeal, Time Lord."

The Doctor nearly dropped his screwdriver in surprise. He turned around to face the stocky, blue, alien shaman-napper and stared him directly in the amber eyes, careful not to show his concern for the sheer number of guards he had seen on the rota when he had returned to the map for research. It seemed as though the Doctor needn't have tried, however, as Howard and Vince were clutching each other and cowering like mice cornered by the local stray.

* * *

Not my best chapter at all, I don't think I got my descriptions across well enough. Hopefully the next chapter will be better, I know what's happening in that one as opposed to this one where I made it up as I went...


	5. Opinions

I can't thank everyone enough for all these lovely reviews! They're tastier than Saturn Zingers! I'm really sorry it took so long for me to finish this chapter, blame the eight AS exams I will be subject to over the next four weeks… T~T

Oh and, in an unrelated question, would any of you join a Mighty Boosh role play thread if I made one in the forums here?

* * *

Bob Fossil's party was in full swing. He could have hosted a much grander affair at the Velvet Onion, certainly, but there was just something about hosting it in a shop he didn't own. He danced through the twenty-strong crowd, surmising the shop was much larger than its outward appearance lead to believe and wondering what the freak "surmising" meant. There was a vast majority of Camden Dollies, a smaller amount of skinny, Big-Haired lads, and a number of notably odd characters. Two of them he recognised as being those second-rate crimpers, the Flighty Zeus, another couple he assumed were shaman from their overly-magical exteriors, and a third pair, by far the strangest, were stood near the counter-come-drinks-bar.

The green-skinned cockney had tipped his black top-hat back in order to closely examine the syringe-fingers of a ragged and decayed looking fox.

"…and they crushed you in the back of a rubbish lorry, you say?" The cockney was saying to the gaunt fox, fascinated by the points on those surgical needles.

"Crushed me and left me to die," The fox replied in a squeaky voice. He scowled and continued with a deeper and much more threatening voice, "They should've made sure the job was done…"

"The pair of 'em are Berkshire Hunts, nuffin more to it." The cockney straightened up and shook his head, pulling polo-ringed hat back over his forehead. "Tried to clear me of my evil ways, they did! Nearly 'ad me too!"

The drug-hewn fox made to reply but turned his head toward Fossil in distraction.

"What the hell do you want, fat man?" He demanded in the deep voice.

It was then Fossil noticed that, without realising it, he had stopped dancing and had moved towards the pair in order to eavesdrop upon them, disregarding subtlety. He glanced from one to the other and realised in shock that the evil, green cockney had what looked like a giant polo over one eye.

"Who's this pot-bellied geezer?" the polo-eyed cockney put to the room in general. Unfortunately, Fossil was the first to see fit to answer.

"Hey there, guys," He spoke slowly and held out his hand to shake, "I'm Bob Fossil, owner of the Velvet Onion, an-"

He didn't find time to finish his sentence, however, as the evil polo man surpassed the American's outstretched hand and grabbed the front of his too-small shirt.

"Onions, boy? What do I care about onions covered in velvet?" He whipped out a dagger and held it to Fossil's neck, causing him to whimper. "Looks like I'll have to teach this bloated yank some party etiquette, won't I, lads?"

Behind the dagger-wielding cockney, the haggard fox was cackling and the rest of the party-goers were watching the scene in bewilderment.

o o o o o

The Doctor simply continued to watch the stocky alien as he paced about in big red boots, twirling a long, silver staff in his red-gloved, three-fingered hands. He was grinning pointed-toothily at each of the humans and otherwise and seemed incredibly confident about what was currently occurring.

"It's more than a pleeasure to meeet you, Time Lord." The blue Mrroooogian stopped finally and inclined his head, "I am Captain Brankalalalalalalaldidooom Makakal Moth the tweenty seeveenth."

"Nice to meet you, Captain," The Doctor replied, not bothering to disguise the fact he thought this moment anything but 'nice'. "I'm the Doctor"

Captain Moth's grin widened. "How marveelous! Of course, who eelse could you bee you, afteer that galactic slaughteer?"

The Doctor tensed noticeably, causing Captain Moth's grin to fade into a sneer.

"Aww, I made him reemeembeer a nightmare, poor little man." He jibed, "peerhaps wee can make things simple, for you?"

"How?" The Doctor snapped sharply.

"By you walking down to thee prison seect, without hint of a struggle, locking the doors beehind you and quieetlee waiting out thee domination of this world."

"But what if I like to make things as awkward as possible?"

"My guards will outnumbeeer and outgun you and throw you into a ceell. Then wee will ignore your kicking and screeaming and innumeerable protests as wee invade your world and its peeople without reesistance."

"I vote the first option," Howard interjected with his hand raised. "Just to let my feelings known," He retreated slightly at the stares from his comrades.

"Don't be such a coward!" Vince scolded, "Someone with as little colour coordination as this guy couldn't be any real threat."

"Colour coordination?" The Captain repeated in bewilderment, "What is colour coordination?"

Vince shook his head in dismay. "It's the harmonising of complementary colours within something such as an outfit in order to blend them and create interesting effects without clashing them incredibly." He stated with surprising fluency as he glanced up and down the coordination-lacking captain.

"This whole red-green thing you've got going on _might _work at Christmas, maybe, but it's nearly Spring now; you're a few months late." He stepped forward confidently, "Now, what you need is someone who knows fashion-"

"Vince, no-"

"And who can set you on the way to creating the perfect uniform. Anything can be an improvement on the ghastly numbers you're sporting."

Captain Makakal Moth was not impressed.

"Ghastly numbeers?" He growled, "I'll have you know I deesigned theese uniforms myseelf!"

"What idiot let you do that?"

"Vince!"

But Howard's warning had come too late. The Captain's face twisted in rage and he let out a fierce roar of "GAURDS!"

Without a moment to spare, soldiers began teleporting into the room within brilliant blue beams of light. Each was brandishing an identical chrome staff and sporting a uniform as badly clashing as the Captain's. The ten-or-more soldiers surrounded the three men and the captive shaman, their staffs glowing electrically and emitting low buzzing sounds and their faces pasted with evil grins.

"Don't kill me," Howard cried, attempting to hide behind Vince, "I've got so much to give!"

"Right," Doctor stepped back, closer to Naboo's cage and looked about the violent assembly with his eyebrows raised, "This might have been a problem; except-" He swung open the door to the cage he had just finished unlocking "This door is no longer locked."

Without hesitation, Bollo leapt out, roaring and beating his chest with his fists. Naboo rushed out behind him, fishing a bag of shaman powder from the depths of his robe, and Dennis remained where he was, stood stock still.

"Come on, D-man!" Goaded Saboo, "Show us how you can really handle the crunch!"

"Get in there and chop them slags up!" agreed Tony Harrison, "Put that sword of yours to good use!"

Dennis looked at them and responded with a gulp and a jerky nod. He unsheathed his sword with a mighty flourish and, picking up the hem of his robes, ran out of the cage swinging the blade madly. He caught two Mrroooogians unexpectedly in the back but soon found himself in a one-on-one foray with a third. Bollo was clouting and pummelling blue aliens left, right and centre, with Naboo scurrying in his wake, haphazardly flinging shaman powder about the place, occasionally hitting a blue face and causing it to cough and splutter.

The Doctor had chosen to avoid the madness of the scene in order to work on the lock encapsulating Saboo, Tony and Kirk. As he crouched down and pulled out the sonic screwdriver, Vince and Howard crept up beside him, apparently deciding that violence was not an area in which they excelled. In a matter of moments, victory might have been assured, were it not for one particularly malign Mrroooogian who imagined it to be highly amusing when he leapt in front of Howard, yelling and waving his electric staff in the air. As I'm sure anyone would in his situation, Howard screamed and attempted to evade him by moving swiftly backwards. Unfortunately, hindering his escape was a squatting Doctor, whom Howard tripped over quite spectacularly. He caught the heel of his foot on the Time Lord's leg and immediately began to fall backwards, also succeeding in unbalancing the Doctor. In an attempt to break his fall, Howard twisted his body but only found himself plummeting head first into the bars of the cage. He flopped to the floor with the Doctor beneath him.

"Howard!"

Freeing his arms, the Doctor pushed Howard down from his stomach and onto his legs, rolling the unmoving maverick onto his back as Vince stood watching over them in worry.

"He's alright," The Doctor assured the rock star while still looking down at Howard's head, "He's just unconscious. Nasty fall, that, he'll have a bruise the size of-"

A scream of pain from above him interrupted his sentence. He whipped around in alarm at the sound and felt anger rising within him at the sight of Captain Moth himself gripping tightly to a fistful of Vince's hair. Vince hung helplessly from his hand, sobbing with pain, and trying his hardest not to move for fear of the pain it inflicted upon his scalp.

"Weell, who has the uppeer hand now, Doctor?" The Mrroooogian captain drew an alien-looking gun from his clashing belt and trained it upon the side of Vince's head, a malevolent sneer playing upon his face.

"It's always the case," The Doctor snarled in response, "Doesn't matter on the species; put a gun in someone's hand and they think the rule the universe."

"Do I not?" Captain Makakal Moth gestured towards the lost battle; Vince's scream had come as a great distraction.

Mistaking the high pitched shriek for that of a woman, Dennis had spun around in hopes of demonstrating his chivalry, only to be taken off-guard by his opponent who sent his blade flying dangerously through the air. Naturally, both Naboo and Bollo recognised the yell as Vince's and were distracted all the more for it; Bollo was pinned down due to a number of Mrroooogians forcing him to the floor and sitting on him, and Naboo had found his Shaman Powder snatched from him as he looked away and held tauntingly out of his reach by a particularly tall alien.

"I gueess now you wish you'd listened to your unconscious frieend," the Captain leered down at him as the Doctor turned his head back to look at him, "At least then you wouldn't have suffered such a humiliating defeat."

"I haven't lost yet, Captain."

"Deeluded little man." The Captain shook his head as even more soldiers teleported into the room. Two of the soldiers dragged Howard's unconscious form from the Doctor's legs and another grabbed the Doctor by his shoulder, forcing him onto his feet. The Captain relinquished his grip on Vince's hair and allowed the whimpering electro-ponce to be pulled along by another soldier as he desperately tried to re-arrange his hair.

With nothing but a stony gaze at Captain Moth, the Doctor walked calmly behind Vince, taking in the scene of defeat. Dennis was stood in the cage as far back as the bars would allow him to go, Naboo was being pushed through the door and Bollo was bent over double, coughing and taking deep puffs on his asthma pump. The unconscious Howard was being dragged carelessly behind him by two soldiers, one of whom was stopped by the Captains hand being placed briefly upon his shoulder. The Captain leaned in to whisper in his ear (which were coincidentally in the same position as a human's).

"An unconscious prisoneer is an advantage," The Captain hissed triumphantly, "Take him for… speecial treetmeent."

The soldier cackled and nodded, turning to inform his accomplice of their orders, he proceeded to heave Howard after the rest of the failed rescue party, leaving the Captain to watch after them with an evil glint in his eye.

* * *

Can't say I'm at all satisfied with this chapter, what I'd really appreciate is some critique. If anyone tell me what they think I'm doing wrong, what I'm doing right, hints on how I could stop being so crappy. Everyone else here seems to be so much better than me, I just wonder if a couple of pointers wouldn't be too much trouble… :S

…Please?

Anyway, I think the next chapter should be better… when I write it. It worries me just how much I've been looking forward to writing it…:c

But right now, I've got some Smarties to pelt at the moon :D


	6. Disappointments

Alrighty then folks, role play forum is open and awaiting your arrival! Find it in the Mighty Boosh forum.

Well, thank you all very much for the words of encouragement, I think my weakness lies describing parallel events, this one's pretty straightforward and I feel slightly more satisfied with it. I guess I just need to practice. Or to figure out just what is causing that niggling feeling of frustration when I write…

Anyway, are we paying attention? Good. Then let us proceed.

**EDIT: **revamped a little, tried to make it a bit better, constructive crit welcomed as usual =]

* * *

The Doctor glanced from side to side through the bars of his cell. Deciding the coast was clear; he crouched down by the lock on his door and pulled out the sonic screwdriver, thanking whoever might be there to thank that his captors had not thought to empty his pockets. The lock clicked and he exited, cautiously moving down the corridor to the neighbouring cells, highly suspicious of the lack of guards.

o o o o o

Howard gingerly prodded at the lump forming on his forehead, wanting nothing more than to be back at the shop. There could be sat on his seat of reasonable comfort behind the counter, doing nothing, and could easily access a fridge containing a half-empty tub of _Utterly Butterly. _Instead he was huddled up on a painfully solid metal floor, his right arm chained to the back wall and a throbbing pain in his cranium. He sighed and tugged fruitlessly at the thick metal chain. What business did that bloody Doctor have showing up at Naboo's shop, anyway? Howard would never have invited in a man like _that_, no sir.

His brooding was suddenly interrupted and his heart skipped beat as the sound of a set of footsteps hastily approached his cell.

"Vince?"

o o o o o

The Doctor stopped outside the cell next to his own and grinned at the Maverick imprisoned within and standing expectantly by the bars. In contrast, the now-conscious Howard looked thoroughly crestfallen at the sight of the traveller.

"Oh, it's you."

"Don't act too pleased to see me," The Doctor said sarcastically as he brandished his screwdriver yet again.

"I was hoping it would be Vince," Howard admitted, pressing his face against the bars as he watched the Doctor unlock the door.

"Well then, let's go find him." The Doctor swung the door open triumphantly and proceeded to turn left with the corridor, a disgruntled Howard Moon in his wake.

o o o o o

Vince sat playing with the metal rings at the back of his cell. He couldn't quite figure out what they were for, but they made a great clanging noise when they hit the solid metal wall. He had begun bashing out a tasty rhythm and was just contemplating suggesting using something like it next time Howard wrote a song when he heard footsteps down the hallway.

Excited, he leapt to his feet and scurried to the bars of his cell, poking his head through them to get a better look. Sure enough, there were Howard and the Doctor running towards him, apparently escapees of their own confinement, and no doubt Vince's rescuers.

"Howard!" Vince grabbed the man's arm as they reached him and the pair grinned at each other.

"How're you feeling, little man?" Howard squeezed Vince's arm as the Doctor rushed past him to unlock the cell door with the sonic screwdriver. "Solitary confinement treating you well?"

"Of course it's not, Howard, you know I go mad if I don't talk to anyone for more than twenty min-"

"It's deadlocked!" The Doctor declared suddenly and stood back from the door, causing the two men to jump. "Why is it deadlocked?"

"Deadlocked?" Vince repeated questionably, "What does that mean?"

"It means I can't unlock the door."

"What?" Howard tore his arm from Vince's grip and rounded on the Doctor, "I thought you said that thing could unlock _any_ lock."

The Doctor shook his head, "I said any lock_ without _a deadlock," He ran his hand through his hair. "Oh, but mine and Howard's locks weren't deadlocked, which could only mean-"

"That you feell straight into my trap."

The three of them whipped around in shock to face the Captain as he appeared in a brilliant blue beam of light; his arm outstretched and a gun clutched tightly within his hand. It occurred to everyone moments too late that he had in fact pulled the trigger, causing a dangerous looking golden laser beam to erupt from the barrel.

It was speeding directly towards Howard's chest.

Both Vince and the Doctor stared in bewilderment, things were happening too fast, neither had time to even think about reacting...

It hit him squarely in the chest. His face screwed up in agony, he let out a cry of pain and fell backwards into the bars and bounced off them onto his knees. He fell slowly to the ground, where he landed sprawled on his front and very still.

Mentally punching himself for rushing straight into a trap, the Doctor dropped to his knees beside Howard and fumbled with his wrist, searching frantically for a pulse.

No good.

He checked his other, just in case. No such luck. Feeling desperate, he rolled Howard onto his side and pressed fingers on his neck. The Doctor moved his head close to Howard's face, the former turning his ear to the latter's mouth, testing for a breath... Nothing. Nothing at all.

Nothing was being pumped through those veins.

"No no no, no one else!" The Doctor grabbed Howard's wrist again, knowing full well that nothing would change. He pressed Howard's lifeless hand into his forehead, and for what seemed like an age it was only the Time Lord, Howard's body and his own guilt. Guilt which was welling up deep inside him, accompanied for some reason by the feeling that he had failed to return a very important favour. He looked at Vince, who was pressing his face against the bars, staring blankly down at Howard's face and found himself wishing Vince could have been anywhere else, anywhere he wouldn't have had to see this.

Then he remembered his predicament; or rather, was reminded of it by a Mrroooogian soldier wrenching him into a standing position and roughly pinning his arms behind his back.

"Humans are such eemotional creetures, wouldn't you agreee?" Captain Brankalalalalalalaldidooom sneered at the cornered Time Lord, "Always holding you back."

The Captain turned to leave them, but the Doctor realised he had a lot he wanted to say to this murderer.

"Wait there," He yelled after him, "I've got some questions I want you to answer."

Captain Moth paused for a moment, before turning to face to Doctor, laughing. "Do you really think you're in the position to demand answers?"

"Well I'm at least in the position to ask questions," The Doctor persisted, "Like, what's on the third floor?"

"Thee tools with which wee shall dominate thee Eearth. That is all you neeed to know." The Captain made to go, but the Doctor wasn't finished.

"You think the people on that planet'll just bow down to you? Just because you're waving weapons about the place?" The Doctor pulled against the Mrroooogian holding him, "They'll fight back, you know, that's what humans do! They don't care what their opponent is!"

The Captain watched the Time Lord over his shoulder, a look of irritation set on his face. "Wee act with more subtlety than you appareently think, Doctor."

And with a gesture from Captain Moth's now-green-gloved hand, something painful was jabbed into the back of The Doctor's neck, sending a spasm down his spine and flinging him roughly into a state of unconsciousness.


	7. Distress

Oooh, how good was Doctor Who this week? Maybe it was the lack of Donna, I don't know, but it was certainly the most hooked I've felt whilst watching Doctor Who in a _long _time. I had to watch it again.

In related news, sorry for the lack of updates, I found myself in another writer's block; even now it's still a sort of colander which only lets the words through slowly and in little bits… Meh.

It isn't as humorous a chapter as others and I'm not sure I've written it all that well but hey, it's here.

* * *

The shaman were stood in silence, watching a Mrroooogian scientist through the bars of their cages. Visibly discomforted, the scientist glanced over her shoulder repeatedly as she scurried about the large computer filling the wall opposite the shaman. With one final glance at the magic men, the scientist pulled what looked to be a sheet of yellow paper from a slot in the centre of the computer and disappeared in a beam of blue light. Satisfied with their solitude, the shaman turned to face one another, most with the intentions of planning a 'Plan B'. Saboo, however, was the first to speak.

"Your two and the Doctor did a rather grand job of rescuing us, didn't they Naboo?"

"Well, I don't see you pulling any brilliant ideas out of your stupid hat, you ball bag."

Saboo narrowed his eyes. "You're just lucky we're in separate cages after what you just said, Naboo, otherwise you would be experiencing a particularly sour flavour of Crunch!"

"Come now, Saboo, Naboo; this is not the time for petty squabbles over stupid hats and failed attempts of rescue," Dennis interjected, "What we must concern ourselves with now is re-planning our earlier plan."

There was a short silence, during which every shaman present occupied the same thought pattern:

"Why don't you just call your wife, Den?" voiced Tony Harrison.

"The cleft is right, Dennis." Saboo conceded, "Admit defeat, tell her you were wrong, she was always right. Women love that."

Dennis shook his head. "Ah, if only it were a simple matter of disagreement. You see, this divide goes much-"

"What about distress signal?" Bollo butted in, sharing the opinion with the rest of the Shaman that hearing the story of Dennis' break up was the last thing they wanted.

"A distress signal?" echoed the Head Shaman, looking fairly put-out but picking up on the obvious hint.

"You mean send a cry for help to any Shaman or Magical Entity that happens to be in range?" Saboo looked quite horrified by the idea, "But we've no idea who it might reach."

"We also have no other idea how we can get someone to save us." Naboo responded, defending his familiar's plan.

"We don't even know if it'll get to someone who would rescue us," Tony argued, "It might get to one of our enemies."

"Can't we risk that?" said Naboo, starting to feel slightly frustrated, "There are plenty of Shaman down there we know, and two of them are actually a part of our council, right?"

Dennis furrowed his brow, "But we don't even know where they are, they were late arriving for some reason."

Naboo opened his mouth to respond but fell silent as a pair of Mrroooogian soldiers shuffled through the entrance furthest from his cage, dragging something heavy.

The aliens approached them, obviously heading towards the entrance opposite; the entrance through which their unsuccessful rescue party had emerged roughly fifteen minutes ago. They were cackling quietly to themselves as they walked closer to the cages, and as they did so it became apparent why. Naboo's stomach sunk quite heavily and his shoulders sagged as he recognised the uniquely generic features of Howard Moon on the head trailing on the floor behind them, telling him that the soldiers were dragging the body of Howard by his ankles. The Mrroooogians glanced at his horrified expression and sneered, continuing through the archway leading out of the room.

There ensued a silence during which each of the other shaman and Bollo turned to look at Naboo, whose main concern was of exactly what Howard dead would mean for Vince. It couldn't amount to anything good, not in this situation. As he turned to face his peers, Kirk broke the silence with what was possibly the most sensible sentence used by the shaman council for a good many months;

"A distress signal sounds like a very good idea."

o o o o o

The Doctor's head throbbed viciously as he slowly regained consciousness. He opened his eyes and regretted doing so immediately; the light seemed glaringly bright and artificial and was making his head feel ten times worse. He moved his hand to shield his eyes but it suddenly dawned upon him that they were suspended a few inches above the top of his head, cold metal biting into his wrists.

Snarling in frustration, the Doctor squinted in an attempt to adjust his eyes to the light and take in his surroundings. Slowly but surely, the light appeared to dim and the shapes of the bars of the cell were brought into focus, adding that extra dose of confinement. There was a silhouette stood along the right of the bars, leaning on the wall, and the Doctor was pretty sure he knew who it was, though he blinked once or twice to make sure.

"Vince?"

The figure jumped and turned around, looming into focus somewhat, revealing that he was indeed Vince Noir. He wore an expression of shock for a moment but that was soon replaced by a grin; although slightly weak by Vince-standards.

"Alright?" he chirped casually, "You're finally awake then?"

The Doctor blinked again – he could almost see normally now – and frowned up at Vince, "It looks that way, doesn't it? What hap-?"

"No, wait a minute," Vince held his hand up to interrupt the Doctor, "The Colonel Wasp or whatever gave me a message, don't make me forget!

"First, he said for me to tell you the blokes who dragged off Howard took your screwdriver," he counted it off on his fingers, "next he told me to say 'he's deadlock the door in case you happened to have a spare, so there's no chance of escape'; and last…" Vince walked over to sit next to the incarcerated Doctor, "He told me to tell you he hopes you have a blinder."

Momentarily stunned into silence – no mean feat – the Doctor stared at Vince for a few seconds, before finally stating;

"You don't seem too sad about Howard."

To his surprise, Vince replied with a slight chuckle, "Of course I'm not," he said bluntly, "It's not like I'm not gunna see him again."

The Doctor was taken aback by Vince's certainty, especially considering his own strictly scientific mindset. He watched Vince for a few moments before the niggling curiosity found the better of him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this _is _the second time he's died." Vince said, amazingly matter-of-factly, "I had to go to Monkey Hell last time."

"M-Monkey Hell?" What on Earth was the man talking about? The Doctor furrowed his brow in confusion, "What do you mean 'Monkey Hell'?"

"Hell. For apes. Howard was dressed up as a gorilla and a Cockney Grim Reaper thought he was Bollo so he accidentally took his soul to Monkey Hell." Vince was talking as if this all made perfect sense, "Then I had to go rescue him, as usual, and I did some great work with the Ape of Death's hair then he let us go. We even managed to claim back the taxi fair."

The Doctor ran it through in his head but found it contradictory to the majority of the laws of science and logic he thought he knew.

"But it wasn't an accident, this time," the traveller reminded Vince quietly, "He was shot."

Vince's smile faltered slightly, but his perception didn't.

"Then I'll go to regular Hell." He said with even more defiance. "Naboo'd take me there."

"What makes you so sure he's in Hell?" Vince looked at the Doctor with a great deal of surprise and simply responded;

"Nothing."

o o o o o

The two soldiers whose job it was to cart around Howard's body finally settled upon the ideal hideaway for it.

Guffawing loudly as they dragged Howard Moon's carcass into Howard's cell, the two disrespectful guards flung the body heavily onto the floor and one began twirling the sonic screwdriver arrogantly between his three fingers.

"Looks like the end for your little friends, you flabby human." bragged the alien with the screwdriver, nudging Howard's body's head with his foot.

"Shouldn't be long 'til the rest of your planet follows suit!" gloated the other, prodding Howard's body's arm with his tail.

Naturally, Howard said nothing in protest.

As they both turned to leave, smirking at each other, they simultaneously tripped over Howard's body's legs, causing the screwdriver wielding alien to drop the device on the floor.

With matching looks of horror, the aliens dove for it but were beaten to the chase by a long leg thrashing out and its brown-booted foot kicking the cylinder with its heel. It rolled away from the aliens and was picked up swiftly by the man's free left hand.

* * *

God I'm subtle. The fun begins next chapter=D


	8. Teleporting

I got fanart :O lenniethefish .deviantart .com/art/Through-Time-and-Space-Ch1P1-91589073 it's a comic of my first chapter :D I feel all loved =]

I'm sure you, my lovely readers are feeling uber UBER neglected, no doubt to the point where you've actually forgotten what this story was about and will have to go back and read it again (if you can be bothered), I know I did :s As for the absence of over a year, I can blame nothing other than education and my procrastination, I'm afraid. I now find myself at Sheffield Hallam University studying Biomedical Science, a course very unrelated to either of the subjects I write about here ;)

Nevertheless, I'm determined to get this thing finished and I feel incredibly guilty for leaving you guys on such a nasty cliff-hanger :(

So, I say enough to the word mincing and draw your attentions to the conclusions jumped to after the previous chapter... Stay alert my pretties ^^

* * *

Almost every 'guest' had left the Nabootique for fear of their own lives. There was no sign of skinny indie boys or Camden dollies and the Flighty Zeus had left with odd bulges under their shirts. The two unknown Shaman had stayed for their own reasons and the Hitcher and Crack fox were leering at Bob Fossil, now sat trembling on the hairdresser's chair by the window.

"Well, looks like no one wanted to stay for the real party eh, Fossil?" the Hitcher said with a sadistic leer, "Pity really, this could'a been quite the show…"

In response, Fossil shuffled back in his chair and glanced desperately at the two shaman, problematically they weren't paying him the slightest bit of notice.

"Waddawe do with the sucker, Hitchy?" jeered the Crack Fox, taking care to flex his needle fingers appropriately.

"'Ow abou' we gut 'im like an eel?" The Hitcher's mouth widened to form a malicious grin, revealing horribly yellow, crocked teeth.

"I always got me best guttin' knife wiv me."

And so the two advanced. The Hitcher brandishing said culinary tool and the Fox snarling and waving his needles. Desperate for freedom, Fossil shrunk back in his chair, whimpering and glancing about for an exit. But he was cornered. The shop was to cramped, his surroundings too cluttered, the murderous strangers too close... This would be it, the end of the Fossil legacy, he'd have to let his Mom know, she'd still be sending him care packages...

The knife was close now, way too close, maybe he should have let her know he wasn't in Vietnam after all, now the weapon was raised, Fossil shut his eye tightly, not wanting to watch, he could practically hear the executioner's drum roll, then--

"_Hold it!" _

The two evil doers froze on the spot. The Hitcher turned first, then the Crack Fox, and finally Bob Fossil decided it safe to look towards the source of the yell; all three had identical surprised expressions.

The two shaman had apparently finished their own engagement and were now staring at the scene by the hair dresser's chair, the green-faced witch's arm outstretched and her index finger pointing towards them. Apparently she was the one who shouted.

"What you after, wench?" The Hitcher growled.

"Are you sure you want to kill this man?" The witch replied with another question.

Slightly baffled by her question response, the villains glanced at each other, sharing the same thought.

"Yes."

They began to turn but were interrupted again.

"Wait!" This time it was the old man with the elaborate feathered headpiece and yellow painted face who spoke, "But we have a much better idea."

The Hitcher narrowed his eyes, "What idea could possibly be better 'an guttin' this lard arse like an eel?"

"We've received a distress signal from our comrades," The witch spoke again, "and we've decided it'd make much more sense to send someone disposable like him to answer it then risk our own magical skins."

"Chances are," the man piped in, "that he'll probably die anyway, meaning you'll get what you want."

"And besides, gutting him would be messy."

The cockney considered this for a while, the Crack Fox watched him impatiently. Suddenly a crooked smile crept across his green features.

"I've an _objection,_ I'm afraid, wench; I like the mess."

Matching evil grins, the Hitcher and Crack Fox turned back to Fossil, but the shaman were not fazed. The green-faced witch let out a smirk.

"Not to worry," she said, taking a small sack from under her hat, "I can get him there even without your consent."

With that, she grabbed a handful of powder and whilst yelling _"Take that!", _threw it so it landed on Fossil.

He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Furious, the two would-be Fossil-killers rounded on the shaman, ready to tear them limb from limb.

But they were already gone.

o o o o o

Still clutching the alien device he didn't know anything about, the only living man in Howard's cell swallowed thickly. One of the blue aliens lay unconscious on the floor, the barred door of the cell still on top of him from when it had flown off its hinges with a press of the Sonic Screwdriver's button. The other had disappeared in a familiar beam of blue light and the body they had dragged with them lay behind on the floor, obscured by the shadows and lack of light. The man looked about the cell again, his eyes falling on the chain that had previously bound his right arm to the wall and then on the pair of legs that were the only visible part of the body.

Catching his breath, the man turned his back on the body and moved towards the unconscious Mrroooogian. He crouched down beside the alien and pulled a thick black band from its wrist. The band had dials on and was identical to the one the other alien had used to teleport away. With one last look at the body in the cell, the man fastened the strap around his wrist and pressed the button.

He just couldn't seem to shake the very uncomfortable feeling that those corduroy slacks had given him.

o o o o o

The two men were silent. A sure-fire sign something was wrong. A few attempts had been made since the Doctor's initial awakening to begin a conversation, but all had fallen short. Due mostly to the Time Lord's still very painful skull and partly to his lack of knowledge as to what actually interested Vince.

"Wanna play I Spy?" Vince said absently.

Taken off guard slightly by Vince's spontaneity, the Doctor allowed a small laugh.

"And spy what exactly?" He said, a somewhat wistful smile upon his face, "There aren't a great deal of exciting things to look at here."

"Nah, who needs to look at something for I Spy?" Vince grinned, "Imaginary I Spy is even more fun."

The Doctor blinked at him a couple of times and allowed a small smile to creep onto his face.

"Alright," he said, "but I must warn you, I've seen sights that could very well put me at a great advantage."

Surprisingly, however, it didn't. This Vince had an intriguingly wild and vivid imagination, and some of the things he was coming up with were beyond even the Doctor's guesses. He'd be an interesting subject for a psychiatrist, that's for sure.

They played for a while, taking it in turns and not really keeping score, busily distracting themselves from their currently dire predicament. They were practically on the verge of enjoying themselves.

...Then there was a commotion.

* * *

So... did anyone notice the 'subtle' Phoenix Wright reference?

I hope you folks enjoyed it and I really hope you haven't got bored in my absence

As always, constructive criticism gets the big thumbs up =]

I will write the next chapter! I just wish we had more time with Mr Tennent, I think if we'd had a full series, I would've updated sooner.

Positive Doctor Who note: JOHN SIMM! 3 ^^


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